Time to grow up

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 Okay.

I'm not the smartest nerd in the class, not the brightest star in the sky, not the strongest dog in the pack, DEFINITELY NOT the sharpest knife in the dresser drawer.  Don't ask why Mom kept a knife in the dresser drawer.

I'm just a dumbfuck teenager that got sent to kid jail for breaking into someone's house for their morphine pills.  I'm a drug-addicted shitstain that is currently being slowly weaned off the opioid.  I know my parents tell me I'm not a disappointment to them, but let's be real, if I wasn't a disappointment, I wouldn't have gone to jail in the first place and wouldn't have been a teenage emo-shit with a grudge I had no right to have.  

Look.  I know what I am.  Thing is, what I am isn't cutting it.  Life has changed and I need to learn to rely on myself, and not others.  Others are great to have to support you, but when all you got is your own two hands and the smarts God gave a goose, you need to do some serious considerations on your options.

I'm sure you read Kalloway's post.  How I basically failed at being anything other than the damsel in distress because of a damn book.

So...I need to learn.  I need to grow up and stop hiding behind everything.  No more excuses, no more lying to myself by saying it doesn't involve me.

It most certainly does.  It involves EVERYONE now, whether I like it or not.  And I need to get that through my fucking, stupidly thick skull.

Now.  On to the embarrassing part.

About three hours ago, I decided to re-evaluate every decision I ever made, and found that kicking that damn squirrel thing was possibly the only good thing I did.  And maybe giving the Doc bird wings but I'm actually quite worried that Bird Bitch could use that energy to like, weasel her way into his head, or take control or something.

Not to dismiss Hellfire's power and all, but as he's a Fear with the power to possess people....yeah.

Anyway, I started bawling like a bitch.  All the fear, worry and absolute lack of control over any of it got to me.  I'm not sure if it would be considered normal, but normal left the chat months ago and has decided to file a restraining order against us.  Fun times.

Kalloway offered some support and alittle bit of advise, but he mostly let me cry it out.  And I can't remember what Ciel said, but I do remember yelling at her to let me have my damn moment being a whiny bitch.  Kalloway told me she huffed but didn't say anything else. 

I am fairly certain she's going to get me later, because I am scared of all of Doc's friends, especially both Miss Seraph and Tony.  

Don't fully appreciate Tony lying about my case, but I do understand why he did that.  Especially with the whole ambush thing that happened.

Hopefully I'll be a better student to Kalloway than to my teachers.  Damn I got a headache.  Laters all.

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